Archive for June, 2006


Some things about my job…

I wrote all this the other night about some of the people that come into my restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, I love the place I work at but some of the client base that comes in there definitely can leave a sour taste in my mouth.

1. don’t ever tug on my arm, grab the back of my shirt or in any other way touch me while i’m talking to another table. yes, you need something. yes, i will get it for you. you have to wait your turn like the table before you and the table before them. just because i’m within arm’s length of you, that doesn’t mean that i’m working with you. your vanilla iced tea is going to have to wait until i have a moment.

2. when the sign says we close at 9pm, that doesn’t mean that you’re free to hang out until 10:45pm. this happened last night. a table of three single women (and judging by the way they acted, they shall remain that way for a long, long time) were talking about cock size and how many men they shoot down. yea, i shoot down people all the time. it’s nice to crush someone’s hopes of getting the pasta of the day when we’re out of it.

3. breastfeeding is completely natural and i have no problem with women doing it. what i do have a problem with is a woman doing it in the middle of a crowded restaurant on father’s day without at least trying to cover it up at all. it’s just not appropriate at all. that goes for any woman. i don’t care how nice the jugs are, you just don’t whip out a funbag to feed lil johnny or lil suzy in the middle of the place without a blanket to cover up a little bit.

4. when we’re on a wait, don’t think that you’re automatically entitled to sit yourself at the next open table. there are people who were waiting before you that get seated first. i don’t care if you paid for a bottle of wine at the bar, you do not have priority at all.

5. don’t disclose too much information about your personal life to me because there’s a pretty good chance that i’m making fun of you in the kitchen. yes, you have colon cancer, but i’m here to serve you. i don’t know want to know everything little thing abour your asshole. that’s your business, my business is turning the table and getting you on your way.

6. yea, you’re all about new age remedies. i’m not. i take aspirin and an assortment of pills because i like them. i don’t give an unlubed fuck about the healing properites of the garwaznegetchy bush because chances are that it costs more than a 20 count bottle of klonopin and doesn’t work in the first place.

7. vegetarian/vegan cuisine. that’s what it means. don’t bitch about the fact that we don’t serve chicken. we don’t. we never will. most of the staff is vegetarian or vegan and work there because we’re sick of working with meat. don’t think it’s cute when you ask about the veal. i don’t come into where you work and ask you how the dick you just sucked tastes, do i?

8. you talk to spirits. good for you. i talk to people i never met online, can you leave me alone?

There it is. An abbreivated list of things that irritate me about my customers.


Early call for album of the year….

That’s right.

Mastodon’s Blood Mountain is coming out soon and this gem of artwork was released today. It looks fucking stunning. Paul Romano of Work Hardened did another stellar job of bringing the artwork back to the old days where Photoshop wasn’t even a program and bands had to commission someone with talent to bring the visual flair to their music.

I cannot fucking wait to hear this beast.


A typical day in my life…

Think you have bad luck? Think you’re jinxed? Let me show you how it’s done right. This was my morning about two thursdays ago.

I woke up at 7:20am to give myself some breathing time before I had to catch the bus to work. Usually I have to be to work at 10:30am, not a big deal in any other city but in Columbia, Maryland it doesn’t work that way. I work on the outskirts of the area so public transportation is extremely limited. Sometimes it’s downright impossible. The complete opposite of awesome. I catch the 8:36 bus to Columbia Mall and then transfer to another bus which takes me to the restaurant. I get there at 9:15 which gives me an hour and then some to kill.

This particular day, I woke up and some funny stuff happened in the house the night before and my roommate called me on my cellphone. We were talking while I was walking around drinking a cup of coffee. We share a few laughs and she has to get to work, so in the process of hanging up the phone with her I drop the fucking thing into my coffee. Bear in mind that this phone was, what I thought, indestructible. A few weeks after I got it, I dropped it off a third story fire escape onto asphalt. I put it back together and it worked fine. Not this time. My java was the death knell of my phone. I pull the phone out and disassemble it right away and try to air it out. In the process of all this happening, I forget to check what time it was. With all this occuring, I wasted about 20 minutes, which is no big deal. It was because that 9am bus I was talking about is the last bus that runs by my work until 3pm. It’s no big deal unless I feel like showing up at the end of my shift, but they don’t like when I do that.

I decide to say fuck it and I’ll call a cab and spend twenty bucks to get there. I needed to shower, so I take my shower and it dons on me, I don’t have a phone at the house. We don’t have a landline since we have cellphones. It’s an unnecessary bill every month. Great. After my towel drops into the tub and gets soaked, I curse a few times and realize there’s another one hanging on the rack next to the tub. I scurry through my shower trying to figure something out and while I’m drying off I notice all these little black things sticking EVERYWHERE. I was puzzled at first then I realized that I had never washed the towel I was using after I bought it. It went on that rack and stayed there. So I had to run to my room, butt naked covered in all these little black things to grab another towel from my clean laundry. I make it back into the shower and wash most of the little black things off of me and finish up.

My gameplan was this, I had an old cellphone that still worked but needed a charger. No big deal at all. I’ll catch the next bus to the mall, buy a charger and then call a cab to take me to the restaurant. No big deal. I don’t want to spend the money but I can’t go without a phone or else someone will think I died. Yes, I use my phone a lot.

I hop the bus to the mall without a hitch and get there about 10 minutes before it opens. I stop in at a place and get a cup of coffee. I’m standing there after fixing my coffee waiting for the T-Mobile store to open up when I drop my coffee on the floor of the mall (notice a trend with how I suck with coffee? I do.) Luckily a mall maintenence man was walking by and saw it and told me in very broken english not to worry about it. He might’ve called me a palefaced devil for all I know.

The T-Mobile store opens up and I go in and ask for the charger and the guy working there (who looks exactly like Jim Norton) says that he has to go into the storage area to get one. No big deal. The only thing that would’ve made it a big deal is if he took 15 minutes to find it. Oh wait, it took 20. I don’t know what happened there, but since I’m a voiceless consumer I declined to complain.

I buy the fucking charger and call a cab. Surprisingly enough, it only took the cab four minutes to get there. We left the mall at 10:17 and I got to work at 10:30 exactly where I proceeded to break a record 9 wine glasses that day.

So, there’s an update for you to laugh at.


Another lack of updates….

Yea, it’s been a while since I’ve updated. Not really any reason why except that I just haven’t had anything to really add to this thing.

The idea I had for the “In Their Own Words…” series crashed and burned in a big, big way. All of the people I asked said they’d have something done in a week and that was that. I tried getting back in touch with them to no avail. It was a good idea that I wanted to work on a bit, but add it to the recycle bin.

I’ve been working a lot at my restaurant and love it. The one thing that I don’t love are some of the “new age” people that come there. I could really live without most of them. No matter, it’s a lot better than the last place I was at.

I’ve been writing a ton. The novel that’s been brewing in my head for the past year has really taken me over. I started the first draft this week and have been steamrolling through it. I never thought that my attention span was this involved, but to my amazement, it is. I try to limit myself to writing about 500 words a day. Somedays, I go over by quite a bit. Somedays I don’t write at all. It all depends on my mood and what else I have going on. The working title of it is Shitheap. If that actually gets made into a novel and I can keep that title, it’ll be the proudest moment of my life. I’m actually thinking I’ll be more proud of that than my first child.

I’ll try to add something here that isn’t babble this week. If I don’t, I’m sure that all four of you will care.