Watch for the bald jackass about :40 seconds in jumping for the rafters.

Watch for the other guy kicking me in the ribs.

Fuck you, Loren. Revenge will be mine.

Someone order me one.

You can order it here.

Melissa,

Right now, you’re in recovery and you can’t see this, but I feel the overwhelming urge to express it despite that.

You mean the world to me and I am so relieved that you have pulled through and are keeping strong. What you went through is something that I could never imagine and I’m so proud of you for keeping strong through it all.

I couldn’t imagine a world without you. You are the most important person in my life and I am so grateful that you were always there for me, no matter what kind of shit I managed to get myself into. You opened your home to me when I had nowhere else to go. I’m forever in your debt and I love you more than you know.

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers, and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings–
those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness,
may your heart’s wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness,
may all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion, of the Way,
may your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength.

I really don’t know how to be a part of the “blogosphere” and to be honest, I really don’t have the desire to delve into that world.

For the most part, I think that this could be the end of Hostagecalm. It was good for a while, though I’m sure only a handful of people read it.

We’ll see…

I guess Blackberry is something that I don’t understand. Yea, they’re pretty and do a lot but in all reality, who needs that much phone? My foray into the world of wireless phones is pretty cheap and easy. I have a bottom of the line Samsung phone that I’ve beaten to shit in the past 2 years. It’s held up for me, surprisingly enough. My major complaint is with my carrier, but that’s a story for a different entry.

I can check email on my phone if I really need to. I use it predominantly for text messaging. I send about as many text messages on my phone as say your average 15 year old girl with a Sidekick.

I just don’t see the need for all that phone in my life, honestly.

The other day, Blackberry had a major service outage and some people reacted harshly to it. I can understand their woes because they’re important people that need their email updates while they leave the office for six minutes to get a latte.

I was reading this article on CNN.com. This quote stuck out to me…

“I’m mad — it’s enough already,” said a frustrated Stuart Gold, who said he gets 1,000 e-mails a day as director of field marketing for Web analytics company Omniture Inc.

Gold, who worked most of Monday on a laptop while traveling, plans to ask his company to buy him a backup smart phone from a rival like Palm Inc., which makes the Treo, in case BlackBerry service goes on the blink again.

“I don’t know what happened, I don’t care what happened. They need to save their excuses for someone who cares,” Gold said.

Way to sound like a complete baby, you douchebag.

I guess some people are so important that they can’t realize that technology fails from time to time.

I really wonder if Mr. Gold is a Comcast subscriber.

Finally, word has broken that my favorite Sitcom family EVER is in talks to do a full length movie.

Kristen at E! Online was told by Jason Bateman that “the creative minds behind ‘Arrested Development’ (Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard) have put the wheels in motion toward a major motion picture of the Fox TV comedy so many of us adore. I’m told by insiders that Jason and other Bluth family members have received calls from producers (Hurwitz and Howard) asking if they would be willing to shoot a movie.”

“I can confirm that a round of sniffing has started,” Bateman said. “Any talk is targeting a poststrike situation, of course. I think, as always, that it’s a question of whether the people with the money are willing to give our leader, Mitch Hurwitz, what he deserves for his participation. And I can speak for the cast when I say our fingers are crossed.”

She adds that other cast members were called and that everyone seems to be very much on board and excited by the prospect.

I’m thrilled at the prospect of this. Normally I’d be frightened of such a thing, but with the talent that was behind that show, I’m assured that it’s in good hands and will be made properly.

I “blue” myself.

I just found this today. Pretty hilarious stuff.

The Fail Blog.

Yea, I know I hated Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem, but I’m still a fan of the two Predator flicks.

If anyone wants to drop a $150 to keep me happy, you can click here and make the purchase.

At least not from what I had happen last night.

I was at work, having a so-so night when I got a table of 2 adults and 3 kids. Happens all the time, no big deal. They were kind of pushy, but nothing that I couldn’t take since I do this every day.

Everything goes smoothly, they run up a tab of about $140. I was hoping for a fat tip from that because I provided them with some decent service if I must say so myself.

They pay and are leaving. I approach the table to start cleaning it off when the one older woman comes back to the table and says…

“Oh, the one little girl had a throw up accident.”

I just looked at her like she was an idiot because she definitely was that.

Not only did they have the nerve to leave me a whopping 10% tip, but they also had the nerve to leave vomit at my table. I’m a rational man who believes that if something like that happens, it’s your duty as a parent to take care of it. Of course I’m being too idealistic about it. Once again, I can’t expect too much from some of the simian lifeforms that I serve.

The problem with all of this is that I’m afraid of vomit to the nth degree. I can’t stand seeing it, smelling it or even hearing it. I get panicked and nauseated. It’s the worst phobia I have and I know I’m not alone because from what I’ve read, it’s the number one phobia amongst people.

After much deliberation (and asking other people to clean it up,) I say to myself “how bad can it be?” and get prepared to clean it up myself. They threw a bunch of the linen napkins on the table, so I figured that it was just a little bit and can handle it myself. I get a pair of latex gloves and a trash bag to just sweep what I can in there and throw it away. I get to the table and get down to business and pick up the napkins to find a good portion of the table covered in the contents of this little girls stomach.

Instantly, I get nauseated and want to have a good bout of sympathy puking. I tell my boss that I cannot do it. There’s no fucking way that I can get in there and do this or else I’m going to be puking and need to go home.

Luckily, my good friend, Jon (whom I still owe a beer for his bravery) manned up and cleaned the table completely. He admitted that he has a strong stomach, but even that made him queasy and wanting to hurl himself.

After that, jokes and laughs are being thrown around and it’s business as usual.

If the mother of that little girl ever reads this, fuck you.

Let me say that again, FUCK YOU.

I don’t know what kind of deluded world you live in, but you are responsible for your child’s actions. That includes when they vomit. This is not negotiable. You brought that little miracle into this world, so any action of your child is your responsibility, not mine. I did not make your child vomit, so why did I and my friend have to deal with the consequence of it?

It’s because you’re fucking lazy. If you can’t accept the responsibility of that, keep your fucking legs closed. There’s no reason for it.

And the young ladies and the table next to you said the same exact thing. You’re unfit. Don’t reproduce anymore.

I just saw this trailer tonight it has me really curious.

Granted, I don’t believe in ghosts or hauntings, but it’s certainly done with a degree of realism that makes you get a little freaked out.

Here’s a link to the website.